Look, Let’s Make a Pact That We Each Get Laid By The Time We Graduate From High School
It’s senior year. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, come this summer, everything is going to change. Most of us are going to different schools, and these last few weeks maybe our last as best friends. With all these looming transition in our lives, let’s make a pact to each other that we get laid by our graduation from high school.
Hey, if that that nerdsack Herman can have sex like he said, we owe it to ourselves to do the same. Honestly, once we get to college, if we haven’t really learned to touch a woman - or hopefully several women - those college chicks will eat us alive. This is just as important as taking an Advanced Placement course. Except this course is in women. Chew on that.
Personally, I know that things are hairy with my girlfriend, since we both decided to go different schools. But I seriously think if we have sex before we go off, that our bond will only strengthen. Making love couldn’t tear us apart - not if it’s really special. Like on prom night. Or something like that.
Will you just take a friggin’ look at yourselves! You guys would do anything to get laid, it’s obvious. This single group is ripe for an adventure. Each and every one of us.
Tim, you need this the most. I think you should really go after that exchange student from Hungary. She’s foreign, so she may not fully understand just how much of a dork you are. Just play it cool, Tim. Don’t blow it.
Mince, you simply need a makeover, man. This is going to sound sort of intense, but I recommend paying some hippie chick to spread rumors about you throughout the school about your sexual prowess. That’s guaranteed to work.
And Coz, I just don’t get you. You’re a stud. A stallion. You could have any girl at the drop of your lacrosse stick. But, no. Coz here wants to find true love. Sorry to tell you this, bud, but the only way that’s going to happen is if you somehow manage to completely change someone’s opinion of you. What are you going to do, join the school chorus? Get over yourself, man.
This is what life is about. And I can’t tell you how many lessons we’ll learn from this. We might learn that sometimes a nerdy girl can be a f-r-e-a-k in the bedroom. We might learn about relationships, the power of laxatives and maybe even a little bit about our friendship. These are all complete guesses, of course.
If you agree to this, you’re agreeing to accept your rite of passage. This thing we’re doing - this pact, this journey - I can’t think of anything more American. Four guys going after a single goal, paying no mind to rules or women’s feelings - that’s what being an American kid is all about. This is truly a sweet moment for us, boys. As sweet as pie. This is American pie.
And if doesn’t work out, my brother gave me the scoop on a really cool beach house we can use next summer. Just a heads up.
Filed by Zach at December 26th, 2007 under Articles.