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Shelly Sells Seashells By The Seashore - Explained by a Local Business Leader to His 6-Year-Old Daughter

First of all, I’m not trying to come down on you. I know how important these years are for developing your creativity, and so on. But, in all honestly, I can’t help but think you should develop a little logic on the way, you follow? And, yes, I do “get” alliteration. I didn’t graduate at the top of my class at Dartmouth to not “get” alliteration. I studied so studiously in school, for several semesters, Sara. Do you see what did there? Did you see, Sara? So don’t talk to me about alliteration.

I wanted to have a little chat with you about some of the things you’ve been spreading around the house - and who knows, maybe even the neighborhood. You’ve been walking around telling people “Shelly Sells Seashells By The Seashore.”

Do I think it’s cute? Sure. However, do I think it’s dangerous for you to not see the failed logic in a woman selling seashells directly outside the seashore. You bet you sweet cheeks I do.

Think about this for one second. If you wanted to start a business, any business,  you’d want to offer something that these people don’t have or  something they really want. That’s what we called in business school “demand.” At a seashore, seashells wouldn’t really be in demand. Why? Because they cover the entire damn beach, Sara. That’s why. Nobody is going to buy shells from you if they can walk literally ten feet away and simply pick up another seashell - completely for free!

Maybe you think this business can get by on Shelly’s good looks. Well that will only get her so far, missy! Sure, several of the women at Rotary do it - using their sensuality and low-cut tops to sell real estate or other services that, you guessed it, people actually need. I find it hard, though, to picture even the most stacked young lady having any luck selling seashells period - especially when doing so right near the shore! It’s simply not going to happen. I’ll bet my 2003 Hogan County Businessman of the Year Award. I will, Sara.

Maybe I’m just scared for your future. By the time your in the workforce, things are going to be pretty doggone different in this country. You think things are competitive now, but just wait. By the time your eighteen, we’ll be so fucking deep in Pedro’s and Pablo’s that you won’t be able to find a job without speaking Spanish. People will look at you like some kind of nut if you don’t have some sort of Spanish Kings tattoo or buy those pope candles.

Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to get out of hand. And I should not have yelled. But, honestly, when a girl glorifies the selling of seashells right next to a seashore - I can’t help but think she’s not ready to face the strains of working in the international marketplace, one where even my degree from Dartmouth is meaning less and less.

Daddy loves you for who you are, okay. He just wants you to change into someone a little smarter. That’s all. Don’t cry. Please stop crying. Seriously, Sara, Neal Cavuto is about to be on. Please stop. Yes, you can have an ice-pop.

Filed by Zach at November 29th, 2007 under Articles.