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The Great Thinker Abraham Lincoln Chooses an Outfit

Tie, tie, tie. I’ve got to find a tie. Me, oh my, finding a tie.

No, that one’s just too busy. And this one’s too… well I guess it’s just not busy enough!

It seems as though this is the worst part about being an nation’s president, sifting through twenty versions of the same suit for each occasion. State dinner, black suit. Royal wedding, well I suppose I wear that very same black suit. State of the Union? Eureka! Black fucking suit.

After fully dressed, Abraham - the father of freedom, the great emancipator, the big daddy long-legs - stands in front of a full-length mirror.

Black coat, black pants, black tie, black hat. Jesus Christ, I’m turning into my father. Black is slimming, though, right? But the question is this: Do I really need to look any thinner?

People already worry about me in strong winds. I should wear white, non-slimming, suits - with padding. And then stuff rolls of toilet paper in for muscles.

I’m a fucking giant. And this damn foot high top-hat isn’t exactly helping.

God, when I was a boy - I use to wear shorts. Oh my Lord, shorts!

I can’t remember the last time I wore shorts.

That’s it. Tonight. Tonight I wear shorts. Those stiff pieces of shit will just have to deal with it.

They’ll just have to deal with my long, hairy, exposed legs.

And sandals, too! They’ll have to deal with my huge, hairy, exposed feet as well! Hello, High Society, I’d like to introduce you to my legs. And here are my legs’ closest friends, hairy left foot and hairy right foot.

I’m president of the United States of America. I freed the slaves! Surely I can free my legs from the bonds of these terribly uncomfortable trousers! No more!

Sure, it’s likely to meet opposition at first, just like that there emancipation declaration. But, in time, they’ll come around. The whole lot them! They always do!

No longer will I dread being dragged to the theater. Tonight, April 14th in the year of 1865, will go down in history as the night Abraham Lincoln, the President of the United States of America, made history. Check the papers in the morning boys, because tonight, Abraham Lincoln wears shorts!

Filed by Zach at April 21st, 2007 under Articles.