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Valemtime’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just wanted to remind everyone of the reason for the season - trying your hardest to have sex with another person. Make that another live person, Uncle Steve!

So I figured I’d offer some advice to those lovers out there, and maybe increase their odds of action this Valentine’s Day.

Tip #1 - Bake Something.

Nothing says “I Love You” like fudge or cake. And I recommend writing something with icing. Try any of the following:
-Let’s Get Nasty. (simple, honest)
-I don’t have AIDS. (straightforward)

Tip #2 - Wear Something Nice.

Increase your odds by wearing something fashionable - I recommend one of those hyper-color Bodyglove shirts. And layoff the make-up this time. You’ll look more Marilyn Manson than Marilyn Monroe. And, yes, I’m talking to you again, Uncle Steve.

Just remember one thing: No matter what you wear, wear it with confidence. And with no underwear.

Tip #3 - Conversation Is Key

Brush up on your current events, that way you have something to talk about on your hot date. For instance, I started last year’s Valentine’s Day by bringing up the massacres inDarfur.

Knowledge is power, and women are turned on by power. Think about it.

Tip #4 - Smell Good.

Cologne is must. If you don’t have cologne, try bathing is fabric softener or putting eucalyptus leaves in your pocket. And if that fails, you may just need a strategy. For instance, if basic high school math is still useful, we know two negatives make a positive (dirty jeans + stinky shirt = perfect outfit.)

Tip #5 - Bring lots of condoms.

I recommend using at least four condoms. It’s the only way to be safe, and it’ll make your junk look massive.

Tip #6 - Don’t Be Yourself.

I’ve met you - and I’m not so impressed. If you want even a chance at someone liking you, act like someone your date will like. I shouldn’t have to say it, but try acting a bit more Jesus. He’s very popular. When in a strange situation, you could ask… what would the very popular Jesus do? WWTVPJD?

Filed by Zach at February 13th, 2007 under Articles.